Q: What's the dirtiest thing you can say to another golfer on the course?
A: I want to get inside you.
The weather in Chicago today is perfect so naturally my thoughts drift to golf. I might as well daydream about a rectal exam for all the fun I've had on the golf course lately. I didn't inherit that gene from dear ole dad. I got the mind-splitting anger gene, but not the golf gene. Last week at Olde Florida I shot 43 on the front nine and then sixty on the back nine. I'm too embarrassed to post the scores of the three rounds that followed, but know that 200 is certainly doable when you're on a roll. I really have no business playing the game.
Here are some things that no one ever told me, but I wish they had:
1. Don't get married. Among other things it'll ruin your golf game.
2. If you have to get married don't have kids. Among other things they'll ruin your golf game.
3. If you have to have kids go to the local sperm bank and pop off a few rounds. This whole idea of actually raising your own kids is waaay overrated and Hell on the golf game.
What I need is a new sport. Guns are good. Even when you miss you still get the satisfaction of pulling the trigger, the smell of gunpowder and the knowledge that you just scared the living shit out of whatever you were shooting at.
Odds & Ends for $200 Alex:
LA Douchebags:
Some history first...
One cold rainy day in Montana I watched an entire Laguna Beach marathon on MTV...and loved it! Naturally the marathon was really just a 10 hour commerical for the follow up series titled The Hills. The Hills follows Lauren from Laugana Beach as she goes to design school and interns at Teen Vogue in LA. The show is less about her and more about the douchebags she dates/meets along the way. In all my reality televsion viewing Spencer Pratt has to be the BIGGEST FUCKING DOUCHEBAG I have ever seen. We watch the show simply because we hate him. I honestly thought he might be the biggest douchebag in LA until I saw this. I heard he's currently writing a new Summer's Eve commercial...fucking douchebag.
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Hot For The Teacher:
What's with all the hot female high school teachers banging their students? Why wasn't this in Vogue back in my day? No Internets and no sexing your teacher...It's a wonder we survived. In other news, I wonder where Katie Klahn is now?
Fortune:
My sister has never worked a day in her life. She thought manual labor was the President of Mexico.